10 Signs You Shouldn't Marry Him (And 5 You Should)

Research published by Relate UK in 2025 found that 41% of couples who divorced within five years had noticed warning signs before the wedding — and chosen to ignore them. The most frequently cited pre-marriage pattern was financial dishonesty: hidden debt, undisclosed accounts, or concealed spending. In England and Wales, 42% of marriages end in divorce, with ‘unreasonable behaviour’ cited in the majority of cases. The average UK engagement lasts 20 months. That is time enough to identify every pattern on this list.

By Matt Ward, Editor at Weddings Hub. This article draws on published research from Relate UK (2025), the Marriage Foundation, and the Office for National Statistics divorce statistics, as well as 80 anonymised accounts submitted to Weddings Hub between 2023 and 2026 by couples who went ahead with their weddings despite doubts, or chose not to.

Why this is hard to read

No one wants to be reading this article at this stage. If you are engaged, you are also deep in deposit payments, family expectations, and a social narrative that makes stopping very difficult. That is precisely why these patterns are hard to act on. The sunk cost of an engagement — emotional, financial, social — makes it feel easier to push through.

This article does not tell you to call off your wedding. It asks you to look clearly at ten patterns, assess whether they apply, and decide from an informed position rather than an avoidant one. For most readers, none of the warning signs below will apply in a meaningful way. For some, several will.

The five signs at the end are equally important. They are the genuine readiness indicators that research actually supports.

The 10 warning signs

1. He hides money, debt, or spending from you

This is the single most predictive warning sign in the Relate UK dataset. Not infidelity. Not conflict. Financial dishonesty.

Hidden credit card debt, a secret overdraft, gambling losses that are not disclosed, or undisclosed savings that he controls alone. Any of these, discovered before marriage, should trigger a direct and complete conversation. If he will not have that conversation, or if further concealment emerges after the first disclosure, you are about to legally merge your finances with someone who treats financial transparency as optional.

Under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, financial assets and debts become jointly considered in a divorce settlement. This applies from the date of marriage, not the date of discovery.

See also: the full wedding budget breakdown for how couples structure shared finances in the planning process — a useful early signal of financial transparency.

2. He shows contempt when you argue

All couples argue. Research from the Gottman Institute — the most cited source on relationship longevity — identifies contempt as the single most destructive element in a conflict. Contempt is not anger. It is expressed superiority: eye-rolling, dismissive sighing, mockery, sarcasm, or treating your concerns as beneath engagement.

A partner who becomes contemptuous in arguments before marriage will not stop doing so after it. Anger can be worked with. Contempt is much harder.

Couples who argue about finances more than once a week before marriage face a three times higher divorce risk within ten years, according to a 2024 analysis of UK relationship outcomes by the Marriage Foundation.

3. He refuses to discuss the future in specific terms

Not every couple discusses children and retirement timelines in the first year of dating. But by the time an engagement is announced, these conversations should be possible. If he actively avoids — or shuts down — specific discussions about where you will live, whether you want children, what your five-year financial plan looks like, that avoidance is a pattern worth naming.

A vague “we’ll figure it out” about every major future decision is not flexibility. It is a deferral strategy. Deferred decisions do not resolve themselves after a wedding; they become conflicts with legal and financial consequences.

4. He treats your friends or family with consistent disrespect

Occasional friction with a particular family member is normal. A consistent pattern of disrespect towards your friendships, your family relationships, or your social world is different.

Watch specifically for: criticism of your friends that functions as pressure to reduce contact, hostility towards your family that he frames as your problem rather than his behaviour, or a pattern of undermining your relationships outside the marriage.

The research term for this is ‘isolation’. It does not always look dramatic. It can look like a partner who is simply difficult to be around so often that the relationships fade rather than being explicitly cut.

5. He has never acknowledged being wrong

Not once? In the entire relationship?

A person who cannot acknowledge fault, apologise sincerely, or take responsibility for their actions in any circumstance is not going to suddenly develop that capacity after a wedding. What this looks like varies: the apology that is actually an accusation (“I’m sorry you feel that way”), the explanation that is actually a justification, the concession that immediately reverses.

This is not about keeping score. It is about whether your partner has the capacity to repair. Relationships survive arguments. They do not survive arguments where one person never takes any responsibility.

6. He pressured you into the engagement

Pressure takes different forms. A partner who sets ultimatums about engagement timelines. A situation where you said yes partly out of fear of the relationship ending. A proposal that arrived in public or under circumstances where declining would have caused significant social embarrassment. A family or community narrative that made refusal practically impossible.

A ‘yes’ given under pressure is not the same as a ‘yes’ given freely. The distinction matters for the years that follow. If you are unsure whether your yes was free, that uncertainty is worth exploring — with a counsellor, not alone.

7. He disregards your boundaries consistently

Boundaries are not demands. They are the limits you set around your body, your time, your values, and your wellbeing. A partner who disregards them — not occasionally in the heat of an argument, but consistently and after being told — is demonstrating that your stated needs do not change his behaviour.

This pattern does not become more manageable after marriage. It typically becomes less visible to others and more embedded in the dynamic. Name it clearly and see how he responds before proceeding.

8. The relationship only feels good when there is no pressure

Some couples function beautifully when life is easy and fall apart under stress. Stress is the permanent condition of a shared life: job loss, illness, family crises, financial pressure, children, ageing parents. A relationship that requires low stakes to feel good is not equipped for the conditions of an actual marriage.

The test is not whether you are happy together. The test is whether you are able to function together when things are difficult — and whether you trust him to be present for that.

9. He has told you (or shown you) who he is, and you’ve excused it

Maya Angelou’s line is often quoted and rarely heeded: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

If a pattern has emerged — repeated dishonesty, a temper that appears under specific conditions, a recurring behaviour you have asked to change that has not changed — the first instance was information. The pattern is the data. The question is whether you are incorporating that data into your decision, or explaining it away.

Explaining it away does not make it wrong. Sometimes context genuinely changes things. But check which of the two you are actually doing.

10. You cannot imagine him beside you during illness or loss

This is the most understated test on the list. It does not make it to most articles because it is hard to quantify.

A marriage includes grief, illness, job loss, the death of parents, the difficulty of fertility, physical change, and ageing. The person you marry will be beside you for those experiences. Can you picture him there? Not at his best, but at his most overwhelmed, most stressed, most out of his depth — can you picture how he behaves? Is that picture a comfort or a concern?

If the picture is a concern, it is worth naming before you proceed.

The 5 signs you are actually ready

These are not the romantic markers. They are the practical ones that research consistently supports.

1. You have had full financial disclosure on both sides

Not “we are good about money.” Not “we’ve talked about it generally.” Complete disclosure: what each of you earns, what each of you owes, what savings exist, and what financial priorities each has. Couples who enter marriage with full mutual financial transparency have materially lower conflict rates around money.

2. You have had a serious disagreement and recovered from it

Not just argued. Had a genuine conflict — about values, behaviour, priorities, or expectations — that felt serious at the time, and navigated through it in a way that left both of you feeling heard and the relationship intact. That is a meaningful data point about what conflict management looks like between you.

3. You have discussed children, location, and career with specifics

And arrived at compatible answers. Not identical answers — but compatible ones. “We both want children at some point” is not the same as having discussed timing, what happens if fertility is an issue, where you will live if careers pull in different directions, and how you will handle the cost.

4. You can disagree about important things without contempt

Not just minor things. Important things: religion, child-rearing, money, family obligations. If you can hold a genuine disagreement about something that matters to both of you, and the disagreement does not produce contempt, you have something real to build on.

5. You want to marry him, not the wedding or the life chapter

This distinction is harder to see from the inside. But the planning process — the venue, the dress, the guest list — can become so consuming that the actual decision about the person gets lost inside it. If you strip all of that away, the question is simply: is this the person you want to build a life with? Not the wedding you want. The life.

If the answer is a clear yes, the rest is logistics.

What to do if warning signs are present

Pre-marriage counselling is the most evidence-based intervention available. Relate UK (relate.org.uk) offers pre-marriage counselling across the UK. The Marriage Foundation offers workshops and resources. Neither requires you to be in crisis. Both are more effective before marriage than after.

A postponement is significantly less costly than a divorce. If you are reading this article and recognising more than three of the ten warning signs, a postponed wedding is worth serious consideration.

See also: wedding planning timeline, wedding insurance UK for what covers a postponement, and what to ask before saying yes to the engagement.

FAQs: pre-marriage warning signs

What are the biggest pre-wedding red flags in a relationship?

Financial dishonesty, contempt during arguments, and unwillingness to discuss the future are the three most predictive. Each has a significant evidence base for predicting long-term relationship difficulty.

Is it normal to have doubts before getting married?

Normal doubts are about logistics: venue, family dynamics, the day itself. Doubts about your partner’s character, honesty, or how they treat you under pressure are different and deserve examination, not reassurance.

What is the divorce rate in the UK in 2026?

Around 42% of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce. The median time to divorce is 12.2 years from marriage, according to the Office for National Statistics.

Should I postpone my wedding if I have concerns about the relationship?

Yes, if the concern is about your partner’s fundamental character or a repeated behavioural pattern. A postponement is significantly less costly — financially and emotionally — than a divorce.

What are the signs a relationship is ready for marriage?

Full financial transparency, shared agreement on children and location, and the ability to hold serious disagreement without contempt. These are the three most consistently supported readiness indicators in relationship research.

Does couples therapy before marriage work?

Pre-marriage counselling reduces divorce risk by around 30% in most published studies. Relate UK and the Marriage Foundation both offer accessible programmes in the UK.

How long should you be together before getting married?

Research suggests 1-3 years of shared experience before engagement, and an engagement of at least 12 months, are associated with lower divorce risk. The average UK engagement is 20 months.